Anthony Brown, Kansas State Representativefrom Eudora, informed the State legislature and the public that he was sent to Topeka by his creator, i.e. God. The Tallgrass Activist has obtained a transcript of a telephone conversation between Representative Brown and God. It is the conversation in which God anointed Representative Brown as his representative in Topeka. In an exclusive, that transcript is presented first right here on the Tallgrass Activist.
God: Hello Anthony? God here. I called to tell you that you have been selected. You da man. Go to the Kansas legislature and shrink that government. You should follow the teachings of Saint Grover and shrink it down to a size so small that we can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the toilet.
Anthony: Yes God – I am honored to be your humble servant.
God: Listen Anthony, I want to warn you about some stuff that my kid – my only begotten son – put out there in the world. Stuff like that unfortunate sermon he did on a mount one day has been hanging out there for a couple of millennia and has gained some traction.
Anthony: Well yes God. All I know is that big corporations, redistribution of wealth from the masses to the wealthy, and creating a mass of poor suffering Kansans are Godly goals. But some of these Kansas folks keep throwing stuff your kid said up in my face. You know, stuff like “what you do unto the least of these, you do to me” “suffer the little children to come unto me,” “consider the lilies of the field,” and on and on. I think those pinko, commie, radicals living in Lawrence are behind this type of propaganda.
God: Just remember one thing Anthony, when it comes to that New Testament claptrap, that kid wasn’t speaking for me. Camel going through the eye of a needle! The rich can’t get into heaven! Fugetaboutit! Not true! The “why take ye thought for raiment nonsense.” Oh paleeese! Clothes make the man Anthony. Put that suit and tie on and go over to that state house and get rid of those lilies of the field. Here is what I want to see: center pivot irrigation on millions of acres of corn – subsidized at fifty cents a bushel. You go boy!
Birds of the air: who cares? What I want to see in the air is CO2. My kid’s little rant about lilies of the field, birds of the air, and King Solomon in all his glory makes him sound so maudlin about the “natural environment.” I swear to God – oops I’m talking to myself again – that stuff mortifies me. Let me warn you Anthony, your kids can say things that can bounce back on you.
Anthony: I know God. Those tree huggers over in Lawrence never let up on that stuff.
God: Speaking of the natural environment. Whenever anyone waxes nostalgic about the pristine, sweet tasting water that used to grace the wells of Western Kansas – ignore them. Sure it was polluted because state government wisely let the petroleum industry dump an untold amount of chemicals into the ground water. Furthermore, the Ogallala aquifer has to become saline eventually any way because we need all of that big aquifer for irrigating massive irrigated spreads out in the Western part of the state. When the water is no good any more, a few big farmers will be wealthy. Some of them already have their new “digs” out in Denver. They will be very wealthy. Wealthiness is next to Godliness. You heard it from me – right from the source.
Anthony: Thanks for that clarification and support God. But I and my fellow warriors for you are being criticized for making life harder for poor children and their families. They are talking about that little allegory about blessing the children. You know: the one where your kid supposedly said that the innocence of little children is a manifestation of heaven right here on earth. I think that has been promoted by those low life types over in Sodom and Gomorrah – or I mean Lawrence.
God: Well Anthony, my boy did say that stuff. But let’s straighten that out. Heaven is like the little, white, rich kids in Leawood – not the little poorer, darker-skinned ones over in Kansas City, KS.
Anthony: Thanks for straightening that out God.
God: Listen Anthony, I’ve got to go. I’m really busy now – working with the American Legislative Exchange Council in all fifty damn states. Oops, as God, I shouldn’t be damning things. Sorry about that.
Anthony: Look God, before you go, I have a quick question. That pesky “honor thy mother and father thing” is presenting a problem. The nursing home industry would like to cut back on staff and see the state cut funding for keeping the disabled and elderly in their homes as opposed to some dehumanizing institution. Letting these people lay around in their own poop is profitable. Furthermore, we can shrink government by cutting meals on wheels and other programs that keep the poor elderly and disabled independent.
Those Lawrence degenerates are throwing up that so-called commandment at me. They claim it came from you.
God: Anthony, gotta go. Do what you think you need to do. Just shrink that government. I’ll admit I screwed up on that Lawrence set up. Omnipotence and omniscience aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Talk to ya later.
NOTE: THIS CALL FROM GOD COULD HAVE BEEN A PRANK BY THE SAME GUY THAT CALLED THE GOVERNOR OF WISCONSIN AND PASSED HIMSELF OFF AS ONE OF THE KOCH BROTHERS
David Kingsley
Must be a prank. Everyone knows it’s my people who were selected.